Gratitude. Is it the Secret to Happiness?
A few years ago I was feeling very stuck in my Life. I became despondent, almost despairing, and had to fight pretty hard to keep my chin up, look for the silver lining, and all that rot. Day after day I carried the weight of my world and trudged through my waking hours as if I were encased in a suit of clay. Moments spent staring out the windows turned to even longer moments and wandering aimlessly through the house, not sure where to even begin, occupied most of my day.
Depression runs in my family and the thought of becoming "depressed", depressed me. I tried some naturopathic solutions like St. John's Wort and Fish Oil. Got out for walks when I had the ambition and could shake the guilt of "not doing something" and washed it all down with wine at night. Never got ugly, but certainly wasn't what I wanted to spend my time here on Earth doing.
I began some personal development work in the form of training to be a Life Coach and the self-learning put a softball-sized dent in the armor of muck I was wearing. I read books, I journaled, I worked with a wonderful coach, and made some small strides but there was something that I just couldn't reach somewhere way deep inside that held my mood and ambition in bondage.
Following the advice of some 'experts', I began to keep a Gratitude Journal. I was less than religious in using it though I got the rest of the family to join me in writing down things we were grateful for on a less than infrequent basis. Writing in a Gratitude Journal helped a bit. I guess the philosophy of being mindful of our blessings has merit, but in all honesty it was just another scratch on the surface.
I tried meditation - I sat in a sunny spot in the morning and calmed my mind, breathed deeply and sent out Thanks to the Universe for all I had. Good, warm and fuzzy for a moment, nice connection to something greater than myself but not the game changer I needed.
I am not a religious person but I did, on occasion, take a walk over to our neighborhood church and kneel in front of the statue of Joseph. What a Life he must have led. Being the Earthling father to Jesus, with all of his trials and tribulations, could not have been an easy cross to bear -pardon the metaphor. I prayed to Joseph and gave thanks to him for setting the bar pretty high for the rest of us Dads - and always felt better walking out of the church than I did walking in.
But it wasn't until this past Winter that the tumblers fell into place and the vault to a treasure trove of Happiness opened up for me. I tripped over a company who makes Gratitude it's business and considered becoming a customer and user of their service. But upon closer inspection of this company I realized that there was an opportunity for me to express Gratitude in a very real way and possibly allow my two oldest kids and I a chance to work together in sharing their message. Which is exactly what we did on December 9th, 2011 - and THAT was the turning point for me.
Every day we sought out people to whom we were grateful and expressed our gratitude to them simply by mailing them a card or a small gift. Our goal (promoted by this company) was to send one heartfelt card per day and one gift per week. I wasn't really sure that we could find that many people to be thankful for, but once we got going and opened our eyes to all the moments and relationships we come across every day of our Lives, the one-a-day thing was not nearly enough.
We became Thankful for family of course, and our friends; but it was the people who otherwise would only pass through our Lives that we found to hold so many opportunities to feel, and most importantly share our gratitude with! The salesman at the wireless store who spent an hour and a half explaining technology to me and helping me make an informed purchase - he got a card. An old acquaintance who called to offer a referral - he got one, too. A colleague I hadn't spoken with in a long time, but who still influences my thoughts and actions for the better - sent her a card. A former student who moved half-way across America and was without her family during the relocation process - she got a card AND some gourmet brownies. And most recently, the entire cast of a small Broadway show who went out of their way to connect with us after their performance - got an elaborately designed card and a BIG box of gourmet brownies which had the kids feeling so special for having the opportunity to be able to do that.
I can honestly say that since we have been sharing our Gratitude, the world looks much different to me. Call it a Gratitude High, or Gratitude on Steroids - but I can't recall a recent time when I have felt so happy, so connected to people and so Thankful to be here.
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Holiday Greeting Dilemma
Here we go again - Happy Holidays? Merry Christmas? Happy Hanukkah? {sigh}
When it came to Holiday greetings I used to be amazed that people didn't understand that this was "Christmas time" and that the world celebrated "Christmas" and that it was my duty to make sure I said "Merry Christmas!" in a mildly self-righteous but not too-arrogant way to everyone. I mean, if I didn't uphold the "true meaning" of the season then I was just as guilty of Christmas-bashing as if I said "Bah Humbug!" So "Merry Christmas!" came out in almost an accusatory fashion every time; beware the person that didn't respond in kind AND mean it!
At some point in my thirties I got even more self-righteous and arrogant when I began to say "Happy Holidays!" instead, in an attempt to not be so self-righteous and arrogant. Can you imagine people forcing ME to uphold THEIR holiday greeting neurosis?!? "Happy Holidays!" became not so much a greeting as a way of showing people that I was hip to diversity, not boxed in by calendar ownership and that I was not about to be bamboozled into perpetuating holiday elitism and exclusion; in short - I was rebelling.
When I hit my forties mid-life crisis I went Pagan. Now for those of you who cringe at the word and started sharpening your stakes of Holly I share with you the definition of 'Pagan': a non Christian. Yup. That's it. No witches, warlocks, flying monkeys or secretive meetings of dark cloaked figures in the woods calling the forces of evil. Simply a non-Christian. But this isn't meant to be an encyclopedia entry so I'll continue about the greetings and get to my point...
The Pagan thing had me saying "Welcome to the Season of Light and Rebirth! which not only doesn't roll off the tongue very well, but you can't find any greeting cards for the friends you may have remaining. Even wishing folks a "Festive Solstice" felt unappreciated.
So I got bitter and cynical and was ready to throw in the Holiday Towel altogether when I decided that maybe being more all-inclusive was the answer to my Holiday Greeting Dilemma. So I'd smile and say "Happy RamaKwanaHanukas!". I Googled "Happy Hanukkah in Hebrew" and felt quite continental pasting the translation onto my Jewish friends' Facebook walls. I wished friends a happy Festivus and chuckled to myself about Seinfeld and then had a glass of wine hoping this, too, would pass.
This year though, something clicked - I began to understand that there is no "right" way to do this. Different people, different beliefs, different ways of expressing what they hold most dear BUT the common thread is that it all comes from Love. Love of a deity, love of their family, love of The Spirit - what have you - it is Love. And in my spirit of Love I again choose "Happy Holidays!" as a general greeting - not because I am rebelling but because unless I know you personally and know how you hold the Love of this Season - it allows me to extend my wishes to you to enjoy it however it matters to you. Sure, I'll still say "Merry Christmas!" to my Christian friends and mean it; I'll still post "Chag Chanuka Sameach" to my Jewish friends (though I won't say it because I can't pronounce it) and mean it; and even wish my Pagan friends a Festive Winter Solstice as they celebrate the Sabbat of Yule...and I'll mean that, too.
Funny how in the gift giving season I learned that allowing me to Love you is the greatest gift you could ever have given me - thanks :)
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Ninja Steps
I love sharing this story as an example of the power of taking consistent, small steps rather than trying to go all in and conquer an overwhelming task, or even achieving a Dream, with a singular Herculean effort:
When my family went on our 18 month "explore" a few years back, we didn't bother to fill out a tax return as we had no real income for a peroiod of almost 2 years. Of course the IRS doesn't care whether you think you made enough money to tell them; they want to tell you what the deal is. So I got 2 notices that my taxes for those two years were overdue and I was required by law to send them the info.
But it was hard.
I had no idea where to start, what the heck I had for receipts, how I'd claim the bits and baubles of money we made or value we bartered for over the course of 40,000 miles.
It began to haunt me.
Every day I would write down on my To Do list "Do Taxes", but day after day and week after week the daunting task was left unfinished...no, actually unstarted. The thought of facing hours sifting through scraps of paper, and more hours agonizing over what I couldn't remember or even account for was paralyzing. So I decided I would do one small thing each day without fail and sooner or later it would have to get done, right?
Day 1: My first task was to get a Banker's box out of the front hall, fold it origami style (if you have ever used one of these you know what I mean) and write in big block letters: "Taxes 2004, 2005".
That was it. I did it. Done.
Day 2: Go online and purchase the tax software for those two years.
Done.
Day 3: Download all bank statements for those 2 years and print them out.
And so on.
Little by little I got organized. Little by little the angst and confusion subsided and I made progress. It was sometime during the second week that the task no longer seemed insurmountable and I actually looked forward to finishing it and no longer wearing it like Marley's chains around my Soul.
Finally on Day 17: Hit the send button and breathe freely!
Taking Ninja steps helped me make small, seemingly insignificant progress and effectively 'sneak up' on my task and conquer it before either of us knew what was happening!
For those changes in your Life that you have been putting off whether due to dread or complete lack of knowing where to start I offer you this: Take ONE Ninja step toward it today. Cloak yourself in the Ninja robes of invisibility and just do ONE thing. Tomorrow do one more...and before you know it you'll be celebrating victory over the enemy at hand and you'll feel very free.
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Defining yourself and Dog Bite Weekend
How do you define yourself? Really. How do you define yourself.
Last weekend we headed up to the Berkshires to squeeze in one last trip with the camper. We loved October Mountain State Forest when we had visited in July, but I was also battling some serious back issues then so my participation and mood were a bit off that week. I was very much looking forward to getting up into the mountains (ok, "hills"), hiking in the woods, seeing some foliage and smelling that great musty-wet-dirt smell of Fall.
We pulled into the campground pretty late and said hello to our neighbors who were hanging out by the campfire with their dog. The next morning with a good breakfast in our bellies and some sammiches, water and snacks packed we headed for the truck and our 20 minute ride to Monument Mountain. As I approached the driver's side door of our truck the neighbor's dog, who was tethered to the ground by one of those corkscrew type dog leashes, came over to inspect me. His ears were back and I tentatively put out my hand for him to sniff but he uttered a low-growl so I pulled my hand back. Assuming that his leash was at its end (I was in my site and he was on the line of his) I turned my back to open the truck door when I heard him growl and felt him bite into the back of my right calf. I yelled, swore (only twice!) and grabbed my leg as the owners grabbed his leash and pulled him back. I pulled myself to the bed of the truck and checked the damage. Holes in my jeans, minor punctures and a good sized bruise already forming. The owner came over apologetically; offered up the rabies certificate when asked for it; and Matthew brought me some alcohol wipes to clean the area. No stitches, and as I was up on my tetanus shots we continued on with our day and to our hike.
With a few well-timed ibuprofen I made the hike (though we took the "less strenuous" route the map suggested), we had a great lunch with a great view and came back down the mountain ready for more exploring. The only thing that bothered me was the constant question "How's your leg?" and "Are you OK?" "Does your dog bite hurt?" - they love me, they care about me, they want to make sure that I am fine. But I finally said: "Guys, we are out in these beautiful woods, splashing our heads under the waterfall, we had a great view when we ate, and we're all together - let's not let what happened this morning define our weekend."
But it did. And it does. This will always be the weekend that Daddy got bit by the dog. Not the weekend that we climbed Monument Mountain, or that we went apple picking - Dog Bite Weekend is the title of this book. And it wasn't just Celeste and the kids - me too. As hard as I tried I just couldn't NOT tell people sometimes or share the picture I took of my leg on Facebook. I don't think that I was looking for sympathy because I really dislike being treated like an invalid; though honestly, in some way it gave me a sense of significance. All I know is that it is hard not to share with people the dried blood and the yellow and purple and even to describe it in colorful detail {laughing!} is there ANY hope for me?
As easy as it is to let a moment define a weekend, or a job to define our purpose or our anatomical appearance to define our self-worth, we need to be a little more self-aware as to why we choose the definitions in our Lives that we do and how else we can share the essence of ourselves with others. More honestly, more powerfully, more worthily.
If we meet someday and you mention a trip you made to the Berkshires I'll tell you all about the perfect weather we had, the nice easy pace we took, the money we saved by making our own lunches and the 2 houses in the real estate guide that we looked for only knowing the towns they were in and we found them both! I'll try not to mention the other thing because...well, just because.
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More Writings
If you would like to read more of my ponderings please click on the links below:
Remembering 9/11
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"Most people Tip-Toe through Life so they can arrive at Death safely..."
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"When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by Dreams that need completion, by pure Love that needs expressing, then we truly live Life." - G. Anderson
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"The Purpose of our Lives is to give birth to the best which is within us." - Marianne Williamson
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